Sweet Wine

I am fascinated by the idea of marriage.

Not the actual permanence of it, but the action, the prep, the romance swept away by the years that follow.

I had never looked at bridal magazines unless it was to compare myself to the women in them. They were skinny, effervescent, and all around glowing in these gowns that were in my Disney movies, no in my reality. I glanced at covers on the stands. In all those glances I had never fingered the corners of the thick, glossy-paged dreams and saw myself in those dresses. I never picked out bouquets or even knew my favorite flower. I didn't know what type of ring qualifies as an engagement ring, and I sure as hell didn't know that venues are places where you cut out the pockets of your pants to afford them.

I only recently learned that people pull out loans for weddings.

And I only recently learned that all this wedding stuff women and girls dream about is just a capitalist farce. I am sure we have heard that argument from Feminists and just sensible people everywhere.

Yet, I can see the other side with all the bling. It sparkles and it has an attraction. I see people gathering as one family. I see the bride and groom, or groom and groom, or bride and bride, or whatever word you need to use celebrating with the people they love most about the love they share.

However, I do not know why there has to be so much wrapped around this party. Shit, as adults free weed and wine are all we need.

 I don't know why I have to calculate decorations, color patterns, and who will stand with me when I want everyone to be equal. There is love and there is a domain.

The love is the aforementioned party. The domain is this little dream world that is actually spitting out dollar signs to get you to believe that this is love.

I am engaged and I received my wedding band today. I did not go understated as I wanted. I have a thin, rose gold with a tiny inset of diamonds. So small that I didn't think they were diamonds. But they sparkled in the mall's lights, in the grocery store lights, and at home in the television's blue light as me and my fiance sat cuddled together. I felt that sparkle. When I take it off though, I feel that dullness. The complete "oh god i don't want to be apart of this culture" dullness that drains me mentally and emotionally.

I want whatever women make them happy.

I don't think there should only be one option of marriage. I want my fiance to be secured when I'm gone and vice versa. There just isn't other options to fully conceptualize this idea. Many LGBTQ writers have mentioned this and I'm with them.

I just want the benefits without the sparkle.
But, I want the sparkle when I'm standing in line with a full grocery cart that I have to lug upstairs, still have to cook dinner, and then clean the kitchen, and get maybe half an hour in of whatever relaxes me. I want it in those moments to remind me we're secure and it's just us doing this in whatever society wants to define.